My Journey to Becoming Quiverfull

 I think it’s about time I share my journey to becoming a quiver full mama.

I have a confession to make as I begin. 

Although being quiver full has always been my conviction,

it has not always been my heart.

 When my husband and I were first married, 

we attended a church who preached a quiver full message. 

Most of the people there were 10 plus years older than us, and had several children in tow already.  We were profoundly impacted by the way they lived,

and proceeded to follow a no birth control lifestyle.

His birth was an emergency c-section, resulting in 9 days in NICU.  

Two years later, our second child was born naturally VBAC. 

One miscarriage and 15 months later, our third child was born, posterior, naturally. 

Psalm 100, which I had memorized early in life resounded in my head, in verse 3, it says,

that it truly is His job, and to let Him do his job, 

without me telling Him how He ought to do it.

 

  

I was overjoyed to be expecting again,

only to miscarry early in October.

  A few weeks later, I marveled, “it is the strangest thing, but I feel like I am still pregnant.” 

My mother’s intuition was correct, I had lost one of two babies. 

Baby # 4 was born via induction, a labor which I do not care to review. 

I honestly thought I was dying after the baby had been born. 

It took me a long time to recover,

and with four children, homeschooling, a small farm, and a husband who had to work long hours,

I began to be overwhelmed, which led to irritability with the children. 

I longed to be a woman with a gentle and quiet spirit, but felt it was utterly impossible for me.

 

 Two more years went by, and another baby was on the way. 

At this time, my husband felt called to be in full time ministry, 

so we packed up and moved right at the time the baby was born.  

I was induced again, but experience told me to have an epidural this time, 

and everything went smooth. 

We were getting those looks and those comments everywhere we went,

which made me self conscious of our family size. 

I told the Lord that I was done. 

My quiver was full.  

But I could not bring myself to do anything preventative, and low and behold, two years later, 

we were expecting our 6th child. 

I was not happy. 

And, I didn’t feel good, which was odd for me during a pregnancy.  

We decided to home birth.  

There was a wonderful Christian midwife in our church, with over 20 years experience,

and I figured,  I have seen the worst labor and delivery can bring,

I will attempt to do this at home.

He was the most incredible thing I have ever seen.  

The size of my hand, perfectly formed right down to the teeny weenie fingernails. 

My heart tore in two. 

Here was the baby I had not wanted,

gone from my womb and into the arms of Jesus.

  His little body testament that God is God, 

and I am not.

 

 Immediately, I was pregnant again.  This time, I did not mind, 

but I still had much to learn about loving children. 

This baby was born at home, in a birthing tub, 

with the least pain I had ever experienced birthing,

including the previous birth with an epidural. 

Everything was so peaceful, the labor, the delivery, and the recovery in my own bed.  

Shortly after the baby was 4 weeks old, he began screaming, and continued this for 7 months,

day and night, until we put him on a straight goat milk diet. 

I thought I would lose my mind. 

I know I was short with the children.  

I was short on sleep. 

Short on Faith, I began to believe that God was punishing me 

for not trusting him the way I claimed I did. 

Well, I was truly done having children.

  With 6 children, living in a small  house, with a small income,

I excused myself by saying things like, 

“I just want to be able to do fun things with my older children without being tied down with a baby.”  

Again, people’s comments about us having had enough already, really impacted me. 

So when I became pregnant again, I was slightly embarrassed, and desired to stay home, 

safe from rude interjections from others about the size of my growing belly,

as if after having this many children and being well into my thirties

I should look like I did with my first baby at 22,

our prolific abilities- which was embarrassing to say the least, 

and the unsolicited opinions that, surely this would be the last?!

 

But God did something in my heart before this baby was born. 

Like a worm being morphed in a cocoon to come out a butterfly,

my heart opened up to love children, to love life, to love being pregnant. 

By the time our 7th baby was born, I was honestly overjoyed. 

Born at home, in the birthing tub, this baby was actually born so gently, she was asleep. 

We had to tickle her feet to get her to cry and clear her lungs. 

I was smitten. 

I did not want to put her down, but enjoyed every minute of her babyhood. 

I remember telling someone at church, as this adorable child was toddling around at my feet, “Imagine, I almost didn’t want her, look what I would have missed.” 

We were excited to find we were going to have another blessing near Christmas 2008. 

Baby #8 was born quietly at home, in the birthing tub, into the hands of my husband. 

We now had a new understanding of the sacredness of this event,

this little life God had given us, 

and we relished every minute of the newness of this baby. 

He was not actually put down in his own bed for 13 days after he was born. 

The Lord has used the birth of our 8th child to make me come to the understanding of rest in Him,

of physical rest, margin, pacing ourselves, and quietness of soul. 

I do not think I would have come to this point without my children. 

Now life is just beginning to be abundant and full of grace and goodness to me and through me. 

I shudder to think what my life would be like if I had willfully stopped my fertility at 5 or 6 children.