When You Are Diagnosed With Cancer.

My stomach lurched.

 The roller coaster effect was having its way with me. 

 There we sat in the doctors office, and the doctor had just said The Word.

  I had known it was coming, 

knew in my heart, 

but somehow, hearing it confirmed still nauseated me.

What do you do when your world, your plans, your hopes are torn to bits and pieces and life takes on the certainty of uncertainty?

How can a hospital room feel so much like a ship tossed at sea?  

Is it wrong to have emotions like this?  Does that mean I do not trust, do not have faith?

My dear, Love of My Life these 24 years, has just found he has cancer. 

 My knight in shining armor.
The one on whom we all depend so much.

 gulp.

But I believed God would work it for His good, that no matter what, 

He would be there with me and my family,

 that He would strengthen us for whatever lay ahead.

  I knew that. 

 I do trust. 

 But I also felt anguish.

My faith would be strong, yes, and I did have the peace that all is as it should be, yet,

 I still have emotion,
and I have found that it is alright.

My husband, now, he is excited, 

he is looking forward to what God has in store...how this may effect the church and community. 

 He thinks nothing of the suffering he will endure. 

 To him, it is no big deal.  

But if God would use this difficulty, this trial, to make Himself known, 

well then, we will celebrate it...

embrace it.

As I looked him in the eye just before they took him back to surgery, I had to concede that if that was the last time I saw his face, I would be ok.
 Who knows what the future holds?
 None of us.

On we go now, through all the options of dealing with the remaining cancer in his body.
 We have been very busy with doctors appointments- most of them 100 miles away,
more yet to come further..
 so every appointment is another day gone.
We have been occupied with researching myriads of natural healing alternatives,
 then praying for wisdom and guidance.

So far, speaking for myself and Brian,
 we have learned that whatever is in store in the future,
we shall not worry or get riled up,
 for we are in God's very capable hands,
and we trust Him.
Not that He will make everything all happy and good,
 but that  no matter what the end is,
 no matter what the valley looks like,
He Is There, loving, caring and providing, just like always,
and in that,
we know the peace that passes all understanding.

Here is faith:  when conflict ascends upon us,
 we are not mowed over by it, such as a ship hit starboard by a large wave,
but instead are able to trust in the Lord more like a ship taking the wave bow first.
At least, that is the way I think of it.

Since I am nearly always in the Psalms, of course I find myself there now,
 fingering my way among favorite passages...
"The Lord is my salvation; from whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" 27:1

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Thou art with me..thou prepares a table before me...my cup runs over...surely goodness and mercy shall follow me." 23:4,5,6

"God is a our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the sea.." 46:1,2

"Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me; for my soul trusts in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast." 57:1

...and through many more,
 until I find my heart
quieted from the restlessness
 that gurgles up now and then.
These, (the scriptures) are the prayers and promises, the wisdom and encouragement,
that keep our bow into the wind,
 so that when the storms comes up,
we are in perfect position to face it, embrace it, and ride it out.